The person who initiate the break up is often painted as heartless and most would safely assume that they move on faster than the dumpee. That wasn't the case for me. It took me a whole lot of tears to wash away the bridge that once connected me to my ex. I wouldn't go so much into details about what happen but I suffered the consequences of my own decision.
At the beginning, I felt the typical emotions when dealing with a break up. Regret, denial, anger and a whole lot of sadness. I really went through the full motions. I cried thinking about the memories created over the years and how much life is about to change when the truth is, it wasn't that big of a deal at all. Some asked, "why are you hurting so much when you are the dumper?" My answer to that is simply because he was someone who I had feelings for and I miss the familiarity. It doesn't matter who is the dumper or dumpee. A break up will hurt regardless. And when things go wrong, we all just want to go to sleep and wake up as if it never happened. We want things to go back to where and how the good times used to be. Back to normal. We crave for familiarity. When it becomes impossible, that is when you have to start making the decision to march forth. It may sound impossible at first but you will eventually see when time is put to work.
There was a time of self-beating. My self-esteem took a few nasty shots. I questioned my self-worth and started to pin and blame every fault towards me. The worst feeling anyone could feel is to feel that they are not good enough for anybody. As cliche as it may sound, the only person you should impress is nobody but yourself. If you feel good about yourself, it will translate positively to other people. I didn't know what I know now then. So I started to think about the possibilities of what, how, why and when it went wrong, drown myself with worries about being unhappy and pathetic, to forecasting my dim future of living alone in a pigeon hole with 50 dogs. Could've gone with the usual 99 cats but I'll be honest, I am a dog kinda person.
As much as I would love to encourage and push anyone who is going through a break up to get out of that phase IMMEDIATELY, sometimes I think it is okay to wallow in it a bit before you start to focus your attention and energy to accepting reality. It will be difficult to divert your mind from the whole break up saga but if you can just divert even 1%, it is a good effort.
According to popular suggestions online, one of the best way to focus your attention and negative energy after a break up is towards gym-ing. I couldn't agree more. Me being me, I never liked to conform to general ideas because it is just too cliche. (hipster alert!) I had my doubts and stood by it. Until I caved in and signed up for a gym membership. Partially, I always wanted a gym membership. Sounds somewhat exclusive to own one. Don't hate. Being in the gym really was a good distraction. I had good looking faces, if not, then good looking bodies to look at. When it came to working out, you know the scientific drill. Exercising helps the body to produce happy hormones yada yada yada and everyone becomes happy. The best feeling that comes out of gym-ing is a sense of achievement. A majority of us spent most of our lives complaining that we are fat and ugly but don't do shit about it. So, now is the time to take action and be a step closer to your dream body. At the gym! Okay la. Maybe a gym membership isn't necessarily for everyone. Just exercise la. That is good enough. Sweat out the negativity! BEST FEELING EVER! *flex muscles*
I find that, us, as humans, live by a lot of sayings and quotes. Which is why, reading up quotes helped me find peace with my feelings and life in general when I felt really low. You can find them everywhere, on tumblr, instagram, twitter and all that social media jazz. They are really inspiring sans the naggy tone you get when any person gives you life advise. It made me feel relate-able and the comments gave me a sense of comfort because there are MILLIONS of people out there who are going through or went through the same shit as I did. I especially love the ones that are about common things/feelings that exist in our lives but we still feel a moment of epiphany whenever we read it.
Here are my top 3 favourite writers on Instagram. I read them mostly before bed time. Not so much on Twitter anymore.
1. @beautaplin (Beau Christopher Taplin)
2. @rmdrk (R.M. Drake)
3. @christopherpoindexter (Christopher Poindexter)
Emotional support from family and friends is just as important as talking it out. I am the kind who would rather talk about my problems first then deal with it later. So I did. Countless times. And I was advised. Countless times. It took me a while to fully digest the reality of those advises. People looking in from the outside can give a somewhat equilibrium judgment. But they also judge based on the information that we feed them and some of that information could be filtered through. Therefore, take any given advise like a pinch of salt. At the end of the day, we understand our problems better and know what is best for ourselves. The decision is ours to make. If we messed up, the last thing we need is people whom we trust give up on us. That is why I always make it a point to show my appreciation to the people who stood by me and hope that they will understand why I heed or reject certain advise given. I am lucky to have a good support system, but even if you aren't as lucky as I am, do not hesitate to reach out to others who are willing to lend a listening ear.
Here comes the unconventional bit of my love life. Having a rebound. I can't say that it is the BEST option after a break up but it is the most effective one from what I've learn. It is always easy to fall back into the love game just to ease the loneliness momentarily. Especially when you are feeling unwanted and your low self-esteem is kicking in in full gear. I can't stress how important it is to get comfortable with being alone before seeking your next relationship because it does help one learn and think better.
I was a year in, to getting over my ex when my rebound came into the picture. Although I was single for a year, I still had to deal with a lot of emotional repair work so I wouldn't say I was completely available if that make sense. So, I never had enough time to get comfortable with being alone. Then came the tricky part. I developed feelings for my rebound. Then again, it was never in my intentions to have him as a rebound because I really did like him a lot to want a relationship with him. It got somewhat complicated in between but not too ugly because he was someone that I can open up to easily and we discussed about it and turns out, he wasn't as emotionally invested as I was towards him. It did hurt a little but at least we tried to understand our situation and worked on an agreement.
So after all that is said and done...I am single and definitely ready to mingle. I am not perfect, I still do feel lonely sometimes. Couple it with emotional beating during PMS. It can be quite a havoc. But if I am feeling happy most of the days, then that little bit of loneliness doesn't bother me much at all. It doesn't seem like I did a lot to combat this break up because most of the issues lies within my feelings. I would say that the activities only help with unclogging my crowded mind to allow room for more rational thoughts. Hence, the famous advise is to keep yourself busy. Despite the tremendous amount of heartaches, I have learn so much about understanding and dealing with my own emotions and helping others. I did change quite a bit throughout my journey to acceptance and self discovery. I learned to be more straight forward with my feelings, to be brave enough to voice out, understanding that the bad things I felt is just a minority part of my life and to reach out to people more. I used to be quite introverted but life slowly taught me to step out from my comfort zone. All these little changes does contribute towards the healing process. I can't piece it together to make perfect sense to you but this is how it is for me.
I guess, to really sum it all up, break ups sucks to the nth degree, it hurts like a mutha fucker! but it is temporary. Don't rush yourself to get over someone when you are not ready to, do it at your own will. Acceptance is key. Majority of the advises that you receive in life are annoyingly true and you may not want to believe it now. That is fine. No harm. Like I said, everything is at your own will. At the end of the day, you will learn and walk away much wiser, stronger and happier.
I must quote Taylor Swift in an interview she did with E! News last year. She said:
"I'm really happy about the fact that being single doesn't feel like being alone. I have love in my life, I just don't have a relationship, and that feels really natural right now."
Love is everywhere. It doesn't come from just romantic relationships. There are your friends, family, colleagues, people you meet in the most awkward circumstances or places. EVEN watching a romantic clip online will stir up some "awwwww's" from you and you feel all warm and fuzzy. That is love too! Love exist everywhere and everyday. It is up to you to notice it and translate it into something positive in your life.
Signing off at 12:22 p.m.
Well done
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