News Flash

Samantha Is Officially Employed!

It is probably stale news by now if you've been keeping up with me on Facebook. It was a good start after celebrating my 24th birthday on March 30th. First day of work was on April's Fool Day and I survived with zero pranks pulled on me.

April pretty much started on a high note. What is there to not be excited about first week of work right? Entering the second week I had a mild bout of depression because I was struggling to adjust to this life changing decision that my employer helped me get into. Waking up early and feeling tired at the end of each day. My bedtime is clocked before 10 p.m. everyday. No joke.

 But I have some what adjusted to it by now and definitely excited to get back into gym next week. I miss my sauna sessions after a tough workout!

Ever since I started this job, it got me thinking about a lot of things. I suddenly developed this appetite for success. I was so...hungry. A hunger for perfection in what I do to give my family and myself a better life. My mind kept running but my body was just sitting at my desk with a pile of reading materials. One side was thinking about the perception of adult-like duties such as getting a house, a car and trips around the world while the other was trying to comprehend the lectures from my boss and the reading materials. On top of that, I had to deal with something I thought I didn't like. Heavy/light machinery. Think along the likes of forklifts, boom lifts, excavators, trucks and cranes. So different from my girly interests. My job is to market the financial facilities that my company offer (i.e. loans) which is fine. But to delve into an industry I know nothing about, it was borderline terrifying and annoying altogether. 

"I thought I didn't like" because I have came to realize that it is not as bad as what my reluctant mind portrayed it to be. I was an ass full of excuses. Although the brighter side of this whole thing is a no-brainer but my mind was too crowded to think about what is best for myself. I wanted to get my hands dirty right away but my boss knows better than to let me deal with actual work when I have absolutely zero knowledge in this working field. My impatience grew to self-induced stress to get things done when there isn't anything much I can do. A small manifestation of doubt crept into my mind questioning if I am made for this job. The answer is still unclear but we'll see how it goes until probation is almost over.That will be about 6 months from now. 

All these crap went on for a few days and last Thursday I just hit my limit and broke down. Still had my mind set to go to work though. The thing about me is that, no matter how difficult shit gets, I will still pull through the tears and get things done. 

Most of my friends had already blossomed in their career for a solid couple of years and they were really supportive when I was feeling pretty damn crappy to say the least. They could relate to most of the emotions and changes that I am going through which gave me a small relief that I am not going through this alone. Needless to say they had very handy advises to pass on to me. I must admit that there were foolish moments that had my mind being too eager to catch up with my peers on a career level but that is just plain illogical because I had only just begun this new path in life and I can't just build a flourishing career over night. I think I kinda live up to the impatient characteristic of an Aries. Which can be good and bad but in this case, it is pretty bad.

After days of complaining, it is safe to say I feel a lot better about my work now. I finally learned to detach myself from my towering expectations and worries about a future that I have little control of because the variables in life is constantly changing. Machineries still doesn't pique my interest BUT we all live to learn and why should I shy away from knowledge, especially when it can help me do better in what I do right? Hope I can keep up with the optimism. But for now, I'll just keep my chin up and smile :)

Signing off at 3:02 P.M.

Surviving A Break Up

I have been meaning to type out this post for a while. But somehow, I never felt like it was right for me publish my thoughts about it until I am sure that I have moved on. I guess I was just waiting for the right moment. So, here I am. Pretty sure I am over my ex. I can't really point out how and when it happened but these things take time and a whole lot of emotional ups and downs.

The person who initiate the break up is often painted as heartless and most would safely assume that they move on faster than the dumpee. That wasn't the case for me. It took me a whole lot of tears to wash away the bridge that once connected me to my ex. I wouldn't go so much into details about what happen but I suffered the consequences of my own decision.

At the beginning, I felt the typical emotions when dealing with a break up. Regret, denial, anger and a whole lot of sadness. I really went through the full motions. I cried thinking about the memories created over the years and how much life is about to change when the truth is, it wasn't that big of a deal at all. Some asked, "why are you hurting so much when you are the dumper?" My answer to that is simply because he was someone who I had feelings for and I miss the familiarity. It doesn't matter who is the dumper or dumpee. A break up will hurt regardless. And when things go wrong, we all just want to go to sleep and wake up as if it never happened. We want things to go back to where and how the good times used to be. Back to normal. We crave for familiarity. When it becomes impossible, that is when you have to start making the decision to march forth. It may sound impossible at first but you will eventually see when time is put to work.

There was a time of self-beating. My self-esteem took a few nasty shots. I questioned my self-worth and started to pin and blame every fault towards me. The worst feeling anyone could feel is to feel that they are not good enough for anybody. As cliche as it may sound, the only person you should impress is nobody but yourself. If you feel good about yourself, it will translate positively to other people. I didn't know what I know now then. So I started to think about the possibilities of  what, how, why and when it went wrong, drown myself with worries about being unhappy and pathetic, to forecasting my dim future of living alone in a pigeon hole with 50 dogs. Could've gone with the usual 99 cats but I'll be honest, I am a dog kinda person.

As much as I would love to encourage and push anyone who is going through a break up to get out of that phase IMMEDIATELY, sometimes I think it is okay to wallow in it a bit before you start to focus your attention and energy to accepting reality. It will be difficult to divert your mind from the whole break up saga but if you can just divert even 1%, it is a good effort.

According to popular suggestions online, one of the best way to focus your attention and negative energy after a break up is towards gym-ing. I couldn't agree more. Me being me, I never liked to conform to general ideas because it is just too cliche. (hipster alert!) I had my doubts and stood by it. Until I caved in and signed up for a gym membership. Partially, I always wanted a gym membership. Sounds somewhat exclusive to own one. Don't hate. Being in the gym really was a good distraction. I had good looking faces, if not, then good looking bodies to look at. When it came to working out, you know the scientific drill. Exercising helps the body to produce happy hormones yada yada yada and everyone becomes happy. The best feeling that comes out of gym-ing is a sense of achievement. A majority of us spent most of our lives complaining that we are fat and ugly but don't do shit about it. So, now is the time to take action and be a step closer to your dream body. At the gym! Okay la. Maybe a gym membership isn't necessarily for everyone. Just exercise la. That is good enough. Sweat out the negativity! BEST FEELING EVER! *flex muscles*

I find that, us, as humans, live by a lot of sayings and quotes. Which is why, reading up quotes helped me find peace with my feelings and life in general when I felt really low. You can find them everywhere, on tumblr, instagram, twitter and all that social media jazz. They are really inspiring sans the naggy tone you get when any person gives you life advise. It made me feel relate-able and the comments gave me a sense of comfort because there are MILLIONS of people out there who are going through or went through the same shit as I did. I especially love the ones that are about common things/feelings that exist in our lives but we still feel a moment of epiphany whenever we read it.

Here are my top 3 favourite writers on Instagram. I read them mostly before bed time. Not so much on Twitter anymore.

1. @beautaplin (Beau Christopher Taplin)
2. @rmdrk (R.M. Drake)
3. @christopherpoindexter (Christopher Poindexter)

Emotional support from family and friends is just as important as talking it out. I am the kind who would rather talk about my problems first then deal with it later. So I did. Countless times. And I was advised. Countless times. It took me a while to fully digest the reality of those advises. People looking in from the outside can give a somewhat equilibrium judgment. But they also judge based on the information that we feed them and some of that information could be filtered through. Therefore, take any given advise like a pinch of salt. At the end of the day, we understand our problems better and  know what is best for ourselves. The decision is ours to make. If we messed up, the last thing we need is people whom we trust give up on us. That is why I always make it a point to show my appreciation to the people who stood by me and hope that they will understand why I heed or reject certain advise given. I am lucky to have a good support system, but even if you aren't as lucky as I am, do not hesitate to reach out to others who are willing to lend a listening ear.

Here comes the unconventional bit of my love life. Having a rebound. I can't say that it is the BEST option after a break up but it is the most effective one from what I've learn. It is always easy to fall back into the love game just to ease the loneliness momentarily. Especially when you are feeling unwanted and your low self-esteem is kicking in in full gear. I can't stress how important it is to get comfortable with being alone before seeking your next relationship because it does help one learn and think better.

I was a year in, to getting over my ex when my rebound came into the picture. Although I was single for a year, I still had to deal with a lot of emotional repair work so I wouldn't say I was completely available if that make sense. So, I never had enough time to get comfortable with being alone. Then came the tricky part. I developed feelings for my rebound. Then again, it was never in my intentions to have him as a rebound because I really did like him  a lot to want a relationship with him. It got somewhat complicated in between but not too ugly because he was someone that I can open up to easily and we discussed about it and turns out, he wasn't as emotionally invested as I was towards him. It did hurt a little but at least we tried to understand our situation and worked on an agreement.

So after all that is said and done...I am single and definitely ready to mingle. I am not perfect, I still do feel lonely sometimes. Couple it with emotional beating during PMS. It can be quite a havoc. But if I am feeling happy most of the days, then that little bit of loneliness doesn't bother me much at all. It doesn't seem like I did a lot to combat this break up because most of the issues lies within my feelings. I would say that the activities only help with unclogging my crowded mind to allow room for more rational thoughts. Hence, the famous advise is to keep yourself busy. Despite the tremendous amount of heartaches, I have learn so much about understanding and dealing with my own emotions and helping others. I did change quite a bit throughout my journey to acceptance and self discovery. I learned to be more straight forward with my feelings, to be brave enough to voice out, understanding that the bad things I felt is just a minority part of my life and to reach out to people more. I used to be quite introverted but life slowly taught me to step out from my comfort zone. All these little changes does contribute towards the healing process. I can't piece it together to make perfect sense to you but this is how it is for me.

I guess, to really sum it all up, break ups sucks to the nth degree, it hurts like a mutha fucker! but it is temporary. Don't rush yourself to get over someone when you are not ready to, do it at your own will. Acceptance is key. Majority of the advises that you receive in life are annoyingly true and you may not want to believe it now. That is fine. No harm. Like I said, everything is at your own will. At the end of the day, you will learn and walk away much wiser, stronger and happier.

I must quote Taylor Swift in an interview she did with E! News last year. She said:

"I'm really happy about the fact that being single doesn't feel like being alone. I have love in my life, I just don't have a relationship, and that feels really natural right now."

Love is everywhere. It doesn't come from just romantic relationships. There are your friends, family, colleagues, people you meet in the most awkward circumstances or places. EVEN watching a romantic clip online will stir up some "awwwww's" from you and you feel all warm and fuzzy. That is love too! Love exist everywhere and everyday. It is up to you to notice it and translate it into something positive in your life.

Signing off at 12:22 p.m.

Pointless

That is exactly what I did for the past few hours because I am down with the dreaded flu. According to old wives tales that if you sneeze continuously it could either mean, someone is talking shit about you or someone misses you a lot. While the latter sounds flattering but I rather not have both so I can stop sneezing my head off!

I just realize, as I grow older, falling sick will sometimes mean I have to be my own nurse/doctor. By that, I don't mean going on WebMD and performing my own prognosis. It just got me thinking, I can't have my mom stay at home and care for me when I am sick as often anymore. I admit. I am kind of manja. Thank goodness I didn't fall sick when I was in UK. Anyway, with age, comes with great strength and determination to crawl away from my bed to make that cup of milo for my sick self.  Just imagine me walking away from the kitchen, holding a cup of milo in my pajamas with explosions in the background.

After I typed that last sentence, I sneezed and forgot my plot. I guess it is a sign that I should go to bed. Sorry I wasted 2 minutes of your life by reading this. Good night.

Signing off at 12:35 a.m.

Where Is Samantha?

Post graduation. It was and still is quite an experience. This is where the next step to adulthood begins. Securing a full time job which you may or may not eventually hate. But by popular vote, most of them hate their jobs.

(via Buzzfeed)

As for me, I am 3 months into my job search phase and currently, still unemployed. I am having mix feelings about this new found relationship status that I have with life. Many times I have considered changing my Facebook employment status to "Self employed" just to make me seem..well....kinda "employed". Where my work load consist of house chores, spending an unhealthy amount of time online, going out to get some fresh air but accidentally end up in a mall, and the list goes on.

Many sees it as a blessing in disguise.

"Babe, enjoy your free time while you can"
"She cried because it was too stressful"
"My boss is such a bitch. I think she is trying to test my patience"

At this point, I really beg to differ. But I know that as soon as I begin my work life, I would end up joining the pool of people who loath their job while secretly planning for world domination.

(via Buzzfeed)

So what have I really been up to??

Work. I am a part-time tutor at Kumon. Though I would love to say I am working full-time instead because I work on all days that it operates. But that is just 4 days a week. This provides a small relief to me because I am doing something instead of bumming around doing absolutely nothing. So, technically, I am employed. Okay, I should cut it with the employment nonsense..

Most days I will be at home hunting down for contest to join. On most Fridays, I would go out for some "me" time. Where I would just go anywhere my interest takes me to. Occasionally I would phone up a friend to hang out. But most of my friends are free only during the weekends due to work. Work life. Meh.

I signed up for a gym membership last December and it has been so far so good. I am able to commit 2-3 days per week. Subject to the availability of my gym buddy and myself. I always look forward to sauna time after my workout classes. Sauna is the new table talk.

Speaking of exercise, I joined my first marathon of 2015 last weekend! Just 10km. I have been itching to run but my bro is way ahead in the half marathon category and most of my friends aren't really into marathons. But this time around, I ran with my bro and his gf, Wendy. Her stamina is similar to mine but slightly better.

le brother and I

Throughout the day after the race, the aches slowly sipped in.

(via Buzzfeed)

The above is literally my life in a nutshell. I think I played it down too much but if I had to blog about every single meet up, what I do in an hourly basis, which includes admiring myself in the mirror IN MY ROOM, then proceed to the bathroom to wash my face and admire myself in the mirror IN THE BATHROOM. Don't judge. Narcissism lives in all of us. It is just a matter of letting it get into our head or not.

Signing off at 11:07 a.m.

Big Fat Sigh

I got pick pocketed in Sunway Pyramid mall last Sunday. Those sneaky bastards took my wallet and cell phone. I wasn't too worried about losing my stuff THEN because I figured, everything else can be restored with a piece of paper i.e a police report. Except for my cell phone. MY CELL PHONE.  I feel like I've been stripped bare and gutted.I am pretty much a slave to text messaging. Even more crippled knowing that I can't use my phone number at the moment because I haven't gone to Maxis to retrieve back my sim.

I guess it is a blessing in disguise in some ways. A huge chunk of bad memories were erased. But then there are sentimental ones that I wanted to keep, gone together. Especially my pictures. I did save all the pictures I took during my backpacking trip around Europe but a majority of my summer in Liverpool went down the gutter. Words can't describe the level of suckage I feel.

Not to mention that I am technology-knowledge challenged because I forgot about the almighty iCloud. My ex taught me the use of it when I first got my iPhone but yeah....the short tutorial was the time I last updated my iCloud and that was a good 4 years ago.

As time tick-tocked by I slowly realized the magnitude of the things I lost. Membership/discount cards which will be a hassle to replace because I have to go shop to shop. My Nero stamp collection card that has 9/10 stamps to a free slice of cake. Figured I'd keep it until I go back to UK someday. The Eiffel tower key chain from the kind street vendor.I was just telling Parvin about how I randomly thought about him today.

It was our 2nd day in Paris and we just saw the Eiffel tower. After that we decided to take a short break at a park bench to get our bearings and decide on where to go next. Then this indian guy approached us selling souvenirs. I can't remember how the conversation between Parvin and him started because they were conversing in Hindi but I was thinking that it must have somehow made his day because he is so far away from home and having to meet someone who speaks and understand the same language as he did must be of great comfort. Latha bought a bunch of key chains from him and he cut down the price too. On top of that, everyone got a free Eiffel tower key chain.

That key chain, I attached to my Coach wristlet that got stolen. Aw, fuck :(

Speaking of key chains I had another one that I got for free from a pancake shop in Amsterdam. That shop sells the best friggin' pancake I have ever had in my entire life. That was gone too. I know it sounds kinda silly harping on a lost key chain but it was part of my memory of Amsterdam. Also I was damn happy that day la. Super nice pancakes and free key chain. Basically, getting free stuff in Europe is the best thing ever because the inner kiam siap cina in me enjoys it la. No need to spend money on souvenirs.

Atleast I still have an awesome picture of the pancakes. *thumbs up*

I just remembered that I had my first week in Liverpool documented in one of my FB albums. Then the thought slowly sunk in. I should've diligently updated my album. The thing about me is that I love to take pictures but I never really had the intention to upload the majority of them. I always keep them for my own viewing pleasure. Like a secret porn stash. Though I can very much assure you that I don't have a single trace of pornographic content in my phone because why keep them in your phone and waste the memory space when you can just stream it online? Which seem to be a running question between my friends and I. I'll leave this topic for another day. *cut* End of porno topic.

So, I guess that is pretty much it about my pick pocket experience. I am no stranger when it comes to losing my wallet/purse. In fact, I lost quite a number of purses back in primary school, a cellphone, and a bunch of house keys to my high school's toilet bowl. The squatting type. Which explains why I couldn't dig it back up because then I will be touching 50 shades of poo. I just gagged at that sentence. Ew. Fuck. No. Ew. Sigh. I better end this post before my mind runs towards random-er topics.

Here's a couple of sunset pictures I took during my first month in Liverpool.

The sunset view from the top of the Liverpool Anglican Cathedral. A big thank you to Phillip for bringing Parvin and I to that beautiful building.

The sunset at Albert's Dock. My all time favourite place in Liverpool. Hands down. A great hangout spot to chill with friends. I feel like I didn't visit the dock enough because my attention was scattered between Primark, Aldi and the length of Bold Street.

Oh, Liverpool. How I've missed you.


Signing off at 3.49 A.M.

Time

Last Saturday I went out for a drink at McCafe with my family after dinner. As my aunts and grandma got up to leave, my mom asked me to go accompany my grandma to the car. So I did. As I was holding the door open for her, I casually asked, "When are we playing ra mi (majong game) again?". Her face instantly lit up and instead of just saying the usual "Anytime. Poh Poh is very free", she replied, "Poh Poh room got extra bed. You can stay over then can get yee yee (that is how I address my aunts) to fetch you home the next day".

I told her I can't. My mom wouldn't like the thought of me gambling through the night. Then she tried to reason with the fact that I am spending time with her so it would be fine. "Poh Poh feels really bored at home. Nothing to do. Only sleep the whole day".  I felt a pang of guilt because I haven't really been paying much attention to her. I did promise her that I can go during the day and be back by night. Should probably make an arrangement with my aunt soon.

My aunts would make it a point to remind everyone to spend more time with grandma. To be exact, the phrase etched into my head is "She is not getting any younger" or "Poh Poh is getting older". It serves as a good reminder for me once in a while. I do admit that whenever my aunt remind me only that I start paying attention to little things. It often hits me hard when I begin to notice how much she's aged. She is almost 80 years old. To think about it, that is pretty close to a century. Is it bad that right after typing the word 'century' I thought about dinosaurs? Not labeling my grandma as a dinosaur. It is just that...when we see a large number of years, we instantly think historical events..like...dinosaurs....

Randomness aside, this evening, my friend, Salena, announced in our group chat that her grandpa passed away in the morning. Instantly, I felt bad for her because her birthday was the very next day (or today to be exact since it is after midnight here). Pretty much dashed our birthday plans for her. But it can't be helped. When your time is up, it's up. No bargaining. This reminds me of what Parvin said a couple of days ago. "Your death has already been decided the day you were born. If you're meant to go. You're meant to go".

That being said, I kinda miss my grandpa. I'm not too sure where am I heading with this post. But I am just dumping my thoughts here.

Signing off at 3.43 a.m.

Do You Believe In God?

Today, a student of mine asked me just that.

I just gave him a tight smile and answered, "Yes" and he, in return gave me the purest smile any child could give, and said, "Me too." He then continued, " In this world, there is only one God", and shifted his gaze upward, "and he is up there."

For a moment I felt a pang of guilt for giving him a half-assed answer because, the truth is, my faith isn't strong. Nor was it ever was. I am guilty for being one of those people who would ONLY believe in God when the hard times roll in (I guess I do believe in god afterall! so contradicting). Every other day, my reply would be, "God who?". AND tuan-tuan dan puan-puan sekalian, just typing that question itself, secured me a place in the depths of hell. Even if that is not the reason I am going to hell for, the countless sins that I am held accounted for will pretty much seal my fate there.  Please don't judge. I am human...after all.

It got me thinking about the people around me and their 'interest' or 'faith' in the subject of God. My maternal side of the family are definitely strong Buddhism believers. Whereas 1/4 of my paternal side had gone through a transition which my grandma label as, "che sin (crazy)". My aunts converted into Christianity.

As for my friends, most of them share the same sentiment as me. Even my 'hardcore' God-believer friends had lost their faith. Okay, maybe they haven't lost it completely. Lost is too strong of a word. Let's just say, there is a slight shift in their paradigm. From, "God is everything" to "I believe in God but my faith has shaken".

I, for one, am well known by my peers for making religious jokes (a fresh twist from the usual stupid ham sup (dirty) jokes, CONFIRM going to hell already). Often, I couldn't hold my tongue. But I always make it a point to check if the person I am talking is okay with me blurting out, "God damn it" or exclaiming, "Jesus..Christ!". I pay close attention to Christians because my best friend from primary school would shush me or slap my arm whenever I say, "Oh my god!". Old habits die hard. She taught me well. So from then on, I jaga-jaga sikit when being around Christians. Who knows one day I will kena hentam with a bible *touch wood*.

Since we are on the topic of the people I offended with my stupid blabbering about religion, here is another experience that I had in Form 2. 6 of my close friends then (fast forward to present, all but one are still my best friend) somehow gotten to the topic about God.. Along the line, I started asking stupid questions like, "Does God wear make up? Does God use washing machine? Takkan wear the same thing everyday right?" in which I paired with equally stupid answers. Envision Buddha using the washing machine. Go ahead. You know you want to. I won't judge you. lol

Long story short, one of my friend got offended and if I am not mistaken, gave me a short silent treatment which I found out after recess was that, she was offended by my insensitivity towards God. Couple the shush-and-slap-on-the-arm experience back in primary school with this secondary school experience, I have become more sensitive and aware of peoples' feelings when it comes to the topic of religion. Perfect ending to this post. hahaha

But my point really was just to point out the growing number of "non-believers". Not that it is an alarming matter but just comparing my younger years to the current generation, I just notice these little changes. I am not speaking for the whole country or the majority of the current generation but this is just my observation from the people I met throughout my life.

Unbelievers by Vampire Weekend

p/s: please don't get offended by this post. it is just me having a brain fart I sweaar.